What if your career despair is an escape route in disguise?

It’s a point that we all arrive at least once in our lives. A crossroads where we can use everything we’ve invested in so far to carry us on the same path, or take a chance and go in a different direction.

Sometimes of course our hand is forced. The road ahead is blocked and we’ve no choice but to choose another route.

The pressure of the impasse we find ourselves at can leave us unsure and anxious, wondering whether all the work we’ve put in up to this point is going to go to waste. Confused, tired and feeling defeated, it’s natural that the weight of the dilemma affects everything we do.

In this blog I reflect on my conversation with author and leadership consultant Dr Stephen Backhouse. I’m particularly interested in what he has to say about what the crossroads felt like for him and the work he had to do internally in order to move on. Like a gradual revelation, each checkpoint uncovered something new until he realised that the journey was as important as the outcome.

(Check out the full interview with Stephen, a former client, on the podcast by clicking here, or search ‘Marianne Welsh Unlock More’ on your favourite podcast platform.)

Let’s start with a story – your story

It’s more important than you think.

You’ve tried self-help, courses, programmes and making changes in your life. Some steps have been straightforward, some more subtle but if the niggling doubt is still there, then something isn’t right. The same frustrations rise again and again and you go around in circles, wondering whether you’re the source of the issue.

Here’s a hint, you are the source of the issue but not in the way that you think.

At the heart of the matter is story. 

So what’s yours? Do you know what it is? If not, the tales you’ve been telling yourself may be getting in your way on the road to fulfilment.

Stephen’s account is one of desperation and confusion at first but it has a happy ending.

Despair – an unlikely signpost

It’s sadly something that I see too often. Clients don’t have to be in the depths of despair to seek help but it’s something they express. They’re at the top of their game but instead of enjoying all they’ve accomplished, they feel frustrated and despondent – and they find this confusing because they’ve achieved everything they’ve worked so hard for.

They feel disconnected, embarrassed about their seeming ungratefulness and above all, stuck.

An academic with twenty years of experience behind him, Stephen was a respected author and educator (and still is).

But he wasn’t living his dream and his work jarred against his principles. Something was amiss and he desperately needed to put it right. A year’s sabbatical allowed him the space to come back and start to address this as a third-sector freelancer.

Although it was a big change outwardly, it was clear we had more work to do.

‘I was sad, really sad. I felt like I’d wasted my life.’ he says. ‘I’d put a lot of effort into becoming an expert in a small area of the world.’

At the core of the issue was meaning. He found himself asking ‘What do I do with my vocation? What value does it have?’

This is the point at which despair led him towards coaching again.

Hopelessness – the driver for change

What brings us to the bottom of the ravine like this? In my experience it’s a combination of:

• Sending our energies to the wrong place. For example, our expertise may be falling on deaf ears or we’re chasing a dream that’s not really ours.
• Being in the wrong place or heading in the wrong direction. The organisation or the environment we’re in may jar with our values, passions and ethics. 
• Telling ourselves incomplete or flawed narratives like we’re too entrenched in one way of life to change.
• Chasing unattainable goals. 

Stephen tells us about what it felt like for him. ‘I was working in the third sector and we were going to change the world but we had a super high vision with no resources.’ The impact of his work wasn’t measurable and ultimately, it wasn’t satisfying.

He learned that vision without direction, and intention without the resources necessary, leads to unsurmountable frustration and disappointment.

The ladder out of the ravine

We were working together at this point and so I ask him about what the turnaround process felt like for him. He voices several clear elements that had a big impact.

• Feeling listened to. The relief that comes when someone gives you the floor to articulate their fears, ambitions and thoughts out loud. It means dealing with some raw emotions sometimes but if it’s a safe space, these things can flow away naturally.
• Getting a sense of what’s possible. Are there other options? Stephen relates how we reviewed his LinkedIn profile which was as much about how he saw himself as what the outside world thought of him and his achievements.
• Flushing out the well of old words. ‘How do you tell your story without the buzzwords of the world you were a part of?’ Stephen asks. Finding a new, meaningful lexicon isn’t easy but it’s worth it.
• Changing the broken record. What are the silent untruths repeating themselves? Stephen believed that his career to date was a waste and it was too late to change. Unpicking these beliefs unlocked the route to his potential.
• Recognising the dead ends for what they are: lessons. They tell you what you don’t want so they help you to change direction towards what you do.

The stepping stones to success

Today Stephen is doing what he loves. Using his expertise in the philosophy of power, he spends his time helping organisations to be good and stay good. His work creates healthy institutions where people flourish.

The journey has brought him to a place where his vision, principles, purpose and academic pursuits are part of the same cohesive patchwork.

By reimagining his potential and rewording his narrative he was able to:

• Develop his vision.
• Network and build relationships.
• Follow his passion with confidence.
• Follow the trail with faith.

The escape route in disguise

I meet many of my clients at this kind of pivotal moment in their lives: they’re either at or approaching a crossroads. Whilst it’s distressing at the time, it gives them little choice but to leave what they’re not enjoying behind.

Having a coach alongside can be a game-changer because it allows you to:

• Get another set of eyes on the situation. By having someone to hold the mirror up we’re able to reflect on our core values and how we view ourselves. Are we telling ourselves out-of-date stories or narratives that weren’t true in the first place?
• Find a different perspective. We may find the hidden door we’ve been looking for.
• Invest in the journey as much as the outcome. ‘If you’re driving fast you can’t change direction immediately, you have to slow down first’. Stephen says. Coaching allowed him to ‘have a controlled stop so that I could turn around and start again. I didn’t need to be fizzing in my own resentment and regret’.

A final note on why your story matters

Stephen is dedicated and focused and wouldn’t have reached his level of expertise without hard graft. When he pivoted from his first career into freelancing, he enjoyed what he was doing but it still didn’t feel quite right.

By unpicking this, we were able to understand that he in fact had much more to give. We examined the narrative, held it up to the light and he discovered that his heart was just as valuable.

Soon after the breakthrough, he found his ease and flow and now his incendiary thoughts are brought to life as he uses them to change lives. The story has morphed and with it, his opportunities for fulfilment, peace of mind and making a change in the world.

If you’ve been inspired by Stephen’s story, then head on over to the podcast now to listen to it in his own words. And if it’s stirred a few thoughts about your own life and career, please get in touch for a friendly chat. Today could be the first step in your journey to unlocking more.